Sunday, March 17, 2013

Swimming Fat Cat Plots Elaborate Revenge

This has been going around teh internetz, but here is one alternative for owners of fat cats: take them swimming down at your local gym, like the owner of 13-year-old Holly in the video below.

The first question that came to my mind: where did they get a feline floatation device? Is there a store somewhere (in Portland, Oregon, maybe?) called "Aqua Cats: Your Purr-fect One-Stop Shop for Feline Water Sports!"?

I, too, understand the scourge of feline obesity. As the owner of two very fat (but now, after endless effort, slightly less-fat) cats, we still nasty looks from the vet, who seems to think that we are funneling food down their gullets, perhaps preparing to eat their livers on a cracker someday. As delicious as that sounds, it is not, in fact, the case. However, I'm yet to take my cats swimming. Not because it wouldn't be hilarious, but because Francis and Seymour would turn it into a revenge plot to rival the third act of virtually any Quentin Tarantino film.

It's obvious that the swimming cat is thinking of nothing but exacting justice. Killing the people responsible in their sleep would be FAR too easy. This cat is gonna be slick about it. Holly's owner/s, be warned! She's going to go online and ruin your credit report by opening high-interest credit cards in their name and  buy a Real Girl and 20 cases of giant dildoes and have them delivered your place of business. Then, she's going to go on a lot of deeply weird pr0n sites and hit "Like" on Facebook, while signed in to your account (which raises the question of why they have "Like" buttons on porn sites, but that is beside the point).

Then, she's gonna click "Yes! I would like a representative from the Tabernacle of Holy Rolling to make a personal visit to my house for an in-depth discussion of my personal relationship to Jesus Christ!" on the websites of multiple non-mainstream churches, and put you on the mailing list of various religions loosely based on short stories about spaceships.

And if your car gets a boot on it, well, you won't have to wonder why...

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I Can Has Breakfast Fudz?

Great news, cat owners! Does it ever bother you that your cats don’t eat the same kinds of foods YOU enjoy for breakfast? If so*, you'll be excited to know that the good folks at Fancy Feast Corp have come up with a solution!

Yes, it’s Fancy Feast Mornings: Breakfast food for your cats, “with accents of veggies and egg”  (and, of course, chicken vaginas).
This coupon/ad was taped to the can of the "afternoon/evening" cat food
that I was so thoughtlessly feeding my cats...
Apparently, many cat owners get a big sad over the fact that their feline companions can’t enjoy, say, a Jimmy Dean pancake-wrapped sausage on a stick as a morning treat. After all, your cat is a member of the family. Why should he eat something so pedestrian and déclassé as CAT FOOD in the morning? Would you feed your kids a can of assorted anuses and kidneys first thing in the morning? I think not. (Unless, of course, you happen to be Scottish.)
Above: Why They Hate Us (cats, terrorists, vegans, etc.)
Probably contains as many animal anuses as most cat food, so joke's on you.
Instead, you’d want them to enjoy the kinds of foods that all people, everywhere** like to eat in the morning, according to the Universal Law of Breakfast. It’s only natural.

Granted, if the situation were reversed, Mr. Fluffles would think that you should be eating mouse anuses for breakfast. But whatever.

Every time I think I’m becoming a crazy cat lady, I see something like this, and realize that I still have at least one foot firmly planted in reality. While cats are awesome—and inspire a lot of LOLs, both on the Internets and IRL, THEY ARE F*%#ING CATS.  Much like the Scots, they enjoy eating the entrails of beast and fowl, morning, noon and night. They don’t need to eat a Hardee’s Big Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit in the morning (neither does any human, for that matter).

And they still don’t need appetizers, either.

*Have you taken your medication today??  If not, please do that now. And, for God’s sake, take the bow tie and collar off Mr. Fluffles. Cats do NOT “like to dress up to watch Downton Abbey.” He is contemplating killing you in your sleep.

**Except in most of the world.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Template appeal letter for ALL politicans!

Finally. We can all breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy a respite from political commercials until the next election cycle begins in approximately 67 days! In the meantime, let's enjoy watching commercials for REAL things, like deodorants that make you lose weight and herbal pills that will totally and dramatically increase penis size.

Also, the trees of the world will breathe a giant sigh of relief, now that politicians can briefly stop sending mass mailings to tell voters how much their opponents hate trees.

The amazing thing is that all the politicians--regardless of where they are on the political spectrum--seem to pull from the same stock language for their donor and voter appeals. It has been reported in European media outlets that the annoying paper clip from old versions of Word is now employed as a political consultant.
"I see you're trying to write a political appeal.
Are you in need of additional hyperbole?

So, to save politicans and voters time and money in future election cycles, below is a template for candidate appeal letters, provided by an anonymous source in Gdansk. This letter, written by a coalition of sentient cartoon office supplies, is a solid template letter for politicians of any party affiliation, running for virtually ANY office, anywhere in America.

Dear [Voter With Limited Critical Thinking Skills NAME]:

You already know that [OPPONENT] hates freedom.

What you didn’t know is that he/she has also taken a firm stance against [jobs/your children/Pepperoni & Cheese Hot Pockets].

If elected, he/she will make sure that all the things you value most—the things that define us as Americans—will be taken away from you, me, and our families, for ALL TIME. For instance, [OPPONENT] is certain to pass legislation that will permanently eliminate [jobs/kids/Hot Pockets].

How do we know this?  Well, back in 1997, he/she voted for a .00001% tax [INCRESE/REDUCTION] while [in the Senate/on City Council/in a heated World of Warcraft Game].

That pretty much says it all.

In contrast, [CANDIDATE] is a vote for good schools, high-paying jobs, and a guarantee of fewer fleas on your household pets.

In the enclosed brochure, just look at [CANDIDATE] walking on a beach with kids and a dog! Anyone who can walk on a beach with kids can surely solve all fiscal and social problems that face us! Walking on the beach means he/she loves the Earth. After all, 98% of Scientists agree that beaches are ON THE EARTH.

What's more, [CANDIDATE] has a proven track record of being photographed with kids and dogs.

And who doesn’t like dogs? What are you, a communist? Look how the little guy’s head is tilted to the side a little bit! That’s the candidate’s actual dog, you know! Okay, maybe not in the sense that he/she “owns” it, but he did legally purchase that photo of a dog from stock footage.

Now, just look at that black and white photo of [OPPONENT]! It’s not in color, so looks very ominous. Did you know that people look more suspicious in photos with their mouths open and not smiling? Don't you have to wonder why OPPONENT's mouth is open like that? (Note: Horns and cartoon penis inserted for illustrative purposes only.)

Vote for CANDIDATE, and you will be safe, and happy, and have lots and lots of freedom. You will have more hair where you want it, and less where you don’t. Life will be good.

BUT BE WARNED! Men who vote for OPPONENT, you will be impotent. Women: vote for him/her and, yes, you WILL look fat in those pants. For the next [TERM] years.

Are you willing to take that risk?

Your strong contribution of $25, $50, $100, or any other amount will go a long way in helping us to produce more of these letters to ask you for more money. If you can't or don't want to give, that's okay.

Just don't blame me when my opponent wins and all of a sudden, it really hurts to pee. Because that is EXACTLY what will happen if you don't act now.

Yours truly,

P.S. The American flag is WAY cool. Just sayin’.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Ladies: Be Less Gross with NEW Urinal Cake Tampons!

First, a word of warning to any easily flustered relatives, gay male friends and/or gay male relatives who may be reading: Although the following post is not about anything particularly graphic or gross (i.e., sex), it does make reference to the potentially disturbing fact that vaginas exist, and, more specifically, that I personally own and operate one.

(Ahem)  “What Is Up With Scented Tampons?”: An essay by Marguerite E. Kennedy

What is up with scented tampons? I mean, seriously. Can anyone on earth explain this concept to me?

Last month, around “that time”—my Aunt Flo was visiting, and, as a funny coincidence, I had my period—I rushed into the drugstore, double-parked, and continued to listen to my iPod while purchasing tampons (ladies—don’t buy tampons while texting, talking, or otherwise distracted!). When I got home, I caught a whiff of a powdery, antiseptic scent. For a minute, I wondered if I hadn’t accidentally dragged in our ironic Cat Butt Scent air freshener (a product that actually smells a bit like Pine Sol). As it turned out, the smell was emanating from the box of tampons.
Also can be used as a feminine hygiene product!
Having no other “harpoons,” as my friend Amy calls them, I briefly considered using one of said "Fresh Scent!" tampons. However, I found that I could not, for the same reason that I have no desire to shove an ironic Cat Butt air freshener into my netherest of regions.

I’m not an expert on the finer points of human anatomy and the female reproductive system.  However, last time I checked, tampons go on the inside. From what I’ve “heard from doctors,” the inside of the body is ... the OPPOSITE OF THE OUTSIDE. I haven’t measured, but it’s at least a good seven or so inches up there, and, being internal, all that nasty vagina stuff doesn't even interact with air, a necessary step in creating any smell, malodorous or not. Furthermore, the region is  nicely encased by internal organs, not to mention all those magic fairies with Swiffers who push out unwanted sperm (unless a woman is a total slut and actually “likes it”—that makes the fairies cry and, while distracted, they let the sperm past the goal..).

Correct me if my geometry is off, but, to be able to
smell the upper quadrants of a vagina, you'd have to have your entire nose lodged deep inside said orifice (a.k.a. “nosing"). And even then…how far could a nose go?  Thus, only the magic fairies and/or the lesser-known Cervix Monster would stand to be offended by a woman’s internal fluids.

Now, we all know that the female body is mysterious and…well, simply disgusting. And we should all be deeply ashamed of it.  (“Never trust a creature that bleeds for seven days and doesn’t die!" Harrr!) It is a fact—I’ve heard from doctors—that “vagina stuff,” even while still in the body, causes packs of wild dogs to start foaming at the mouth. It makes babies cry, and causes the price of gas to go through the roof.This being the case, we should probably all switch to my new product: Urinal Cake Tampons (see mock-up above) to avoid grossing the world out any more than we have to.

Any venture capitalists out there who want to get in on the ground floor??

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Pablo the Burrito Unicorn Goes To Burning Man

I came across this sign the other day, a few blocks from my house. As much as I had to roll my eyes at the thought of a hipster Burrito Unicorn (Burriticorn?), the thought of the Pablo insouciantly flying over bridges made feel warm and fuzzy about living this neighborhoodone where plush mythological/fast-food creatures are not bound by the shackles of gravity, and are worried over.

You come across a sea of “Lost!” posters here on Seattle’s Capitol Hill, usually featuring mug shots of cats and dogs (who are only occasionally shaped like popular Mexican food items). These posters often provoke a lively debate as to whether or not these pets should be kept indoors. Outside, they’re prone to encounter cars, raccoons, coyotes & other critters that Pixar films would lead you to believe are adorable and sassy and have compelling back-stories, whereas, in real life, most of them are just kind of a-holes. Below is one of the most memorable posters of the summer, re: a sneezy, transgendered kitty named Lola (good news: she was found!).
A feature-length cartoon about Lola's Big Night is forthcoming.
Please???Photo via CHS/ @uncle_vinny
My theory is that most of these animals aren’t “lost” so much as “escaped.” Behind each wide-eyed tabby on the posters, I always imagine a feline version of The Great Escape, or maybe The Shawshank Redemption. These cats have been planning it from day one. They’re the ones who rolled the bottle of whiskey in front of you, so that you would leave the door open…

As for Pablo, are his owners sure he’s really “lost”? Maybe he just decided to pick up and go to Burning Man with all the other flying Burrito Unicorns. Now that the BM festival is over, Pablo should be rolling back in any day now. WARNINGS: You’ll be shaking out the sand and glitter for weeks. He may use words like “epic,” “intense” and (worst of all) “neo-pagan” more than any person and/or mythological burrito-beast has any right to. Also, you’re bound to have a few moments of confusion before you remember that Special K isn’t just a breakfast cereal.

Here’s hoping that Pablo wasn’t in fact eaten by a stuffed Chihuahua-Pegasus (Chihuagasus?) who only eats plush Mexican foods with a single horn...