Remember how, in the mid-2000s, everybody had a blog? And then, all of a sudden, nobody had a blog anymore? Kind of like those stupid trucker hats the hipsters used to wear? Then one day, nobody wore them any more?
I blame Facebook. (Of course, I blame Facebook for most things, including the recent tsunami that shifted the earth several inches off its axis.) Why write in a blog, when, instead, you can just go on Facebook and post a link to a break-dancing aardvark?
Other than the highly topical blogs, e.g., about knitting and/or conspiracy theories, the only blogs to have survived the Darwinism of online platforms seem to the “institutional blogs.” These are basically essay-length advertisements for every business from Halliburton to your local coffee shop. Some of these are surprisingly delightful and informative. For instance, my friend Sheri’s cheese shop blog is a great source of “cheese porn” (fortunately, no 70’s mustaches or gold chains involved), featuring explicit pics of fried, bacon-wrapped wheels of brie.
The corporate blogs, which only rarely feature fried cheese and bacon, are more of a mystery. I’ve always wondered who the hell reads these. For instance, the Alice Company blog, “where we talk about our company, our industry, and why you should buy toilet paper online.”
I am NOT (no pun...) shitting you. Not that anything’s wrong with their company, or online TP delivery. I’m all for toilet paper; big fan. But who really needs regular (no pun..) updates on the matter? Is that web cam that films grass growing just too much of an emotional roller coaster?
Recently, I saw an ad on Craigslist for a “toner and printer supply company” looking to hire a blogger. They were – with no trace of irony -- looking for “an offbeat, funny David Sedaris type” with “a strong humor portfolio”; preferably a “published writer.” To make rollicking, pithy revelations about TONER CARTRIDGES.
After all, when you think of comedy writing, you think: The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, and Dave’s Printing Supplies Blog. Not necessarily in that order.
Maybe David Sedaris himself is available? Or Steve Martin? Or the late Dorothy Parker, channeled from the dead via a medium to make hilarious observations about recycled copy paper?
Don’t get me wrong. I love the crap out of toner (who doesn’t??). Ditto for photocopiers. And let’s face it: ass photocopying is a timeless source of inter-office humor and/or evidence in sexual harassment lawsuits. But I have no idea what kind of genius or madman could parlay this into an endless comedy gold mine.
So, I started thinking. What if David Sedaris did write the blog for Dave’s Printing Supplies?
Ripple to dream sequence….
Earlier today, I was walking over to the quick and efficient new Xerox 666 photocopier from Dave’s Printing Supplies. As I approached the copier, I thought of the time my mother loaded us all into the car to see her Aunt Ruth, who had a bizarre collection of rugs made out of puffin pelts and live giraffes. [STORY CONTINUES]. … To this day, every time we see a giraffe, my sisters and break into hives. But we never spoke of it again.
Not long ago. I realized that my printer needed more toner fluid. Which reminded me of the time I was driving across the country with a trucker who was drinking moonshine made out of his own urine….[STORY CONTINUES] Then, I called the friendly and efficient folks at Dave’s Printing Supplies, who delivered toner at unbeatable prices. Prices, like the space between time and memory, that will never come again.