Sunday, March 27, 2011

Does this blog make my butt look big?


My closet is proof that women will buy anything. If by “women,” you mean, “me.” 

Not long ago, I succumbed to marketing targeted at gullible women in the 24-55 age group, and bought a pair of Sketchers Shape-Ups™. You know, the shoes that promise to somehow, passively, shape and tone your ass and abs? 

The problem is, even if they do make your ass looks better, the rest of you is rendered hideous because you’re wearing shoes that look like something from a medical supply catalog. My husband, Paul, succinctly describes the Shape-Ups as, “where hard-ons go to die.”
The Erection Graveyard
I think they’re working, but it may be psychological.  After all, the feeling of your butt firming up is almost the same as the feeling of not wanting to have wasted a hundred bucks on a seriously fugly pair of shoes. 
My butt, "before."
My butt, after only two wearings! The shoes also gave me a tan...
The details of how the Shape-ups work are a bit sketchy (no pun…). Supposedly, the curvature of the shoe somehow simulates “walking on a beach.” Or whatever. And I have to admit, it DOES feel like you’re in a douche commercial from the 80s.

The shoes are part of the growing trend of clothes that promise to make you more fit, without any inconvenient “exertion” or “exercise.” For instance, in the “As Seen on TV” aisle at your local Walgreens, you’ll find The Belly Burner weight loss belt, which claims to turn your body into “a fat-burning machine.” Kind of like a George Foreman Grill. Now, I’m no scientist, but …. hell, neither was whoever thought this up, I’m pretty sure.

Which brings me to my Future “As Seen On TV” Products of the Day… (hello Venture Capitalists!).

For when you reach that point in life when you neither aspire nor expect to have sex, ever again…. a line of very comfortable, ultra-hideous shoes called Fuck-Its™. Tagline: Just Give Up.©™  I’m envisioning a line of coordinating “TV-watching suits.”  Which are basically jogging suits, only roomier and more realistic about their raison d’etre.  (After all, how many people in Boca Raton are wearing their track suits to run around a track?) The front of the jacket will feature several large and extremely unflattering remote-control sized pockets. The seat will feature extra padding and a battery-operated butt warmer.  This could be the next Slanket, y’all.  And you read it here first!

Or, a pair of fat-burning pants called Slack-offs™ : “Slacks that let you slack off.”  Made of a polyurethane/petroleum/lead/nylon blend, Slack-offs™ burn calories while you sit and watch TV!!  Straight from the catwalks of Tashkent, “the Milan of Uzbekistan,” you’ll feel the burn in these sexy slacks. The low, steady dose of lead will contribute to ultra-fat-burning “blood poisoning,” which melts the pounds like magic. WARNING: Do not wear within 100 feet of open flame. Mental insanity and slicing off your own ear and sending it a gift-wrapped box to a barista may occur.

For unsightly foot fat, you’ll want to grab a pair of new Sock-its™! These socks are made from a weapons-grade nylon blend that melts away the  ankle fat while you sit! This product uses AnkleMetric© technology, originally developed by Soviet scientists for use in Gulag prisons, now available in the west!  Wearing these socks, you’ll feel just like you’re walking on sand. That is, assuming you happen to be on a beach at the time…

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