Saturday, March 26, 2011

Cat Apps: Not Just for your iPhone Any More!

Per my post yesterday, Americans seem to be shocked and scratching their heads over the feline obesity epidemic. As the owner of both a Fat Cat and a Mega-Fat Cat, I feel their pain. But this pheomenon is hardly a mystery.

Why?  These days, cats don’t just have “dinners.” They also have
APPETIZERS. Fancy Feast now offers apps to round out your cat's dining experience, with selections such as “Seabass and Shrimp Appetizer in a Delicate Broth.” 

Mmmm. It’s the next best thing to actually taking your cat to The Cheesecake Factory for some Jalapeno mouse shooters!! And just in time, because the stupid ACLU wouldn’t back you in the discrimination case when the restaurant kicked out your “date,” Roger, because of his “African-Asian heritage” (Abyssinian-Siamese mix).     
ABOVE: Roger, Feeling Marginalized After Cheesecake Factory Incident
On the website, pet owners are encouraged to serve the apps as “a complement to regular meals,” because, “you don’t need a special occasion to celebrate.”  Assuming your idea of celebrating involves chicken anuses and/or cow scrotums (or whatever crap goes into cat food).

Let’s face it – nothing gets a party started faster than popping open a Fancy Feast “White Meat Chicken and Shredded Beef Appetizer.”  It’s like a cheaper, smellier version of an eight-ball of cocaine.

But the Fancy Feast Appetizer website offers a lot more than information on how to get a party cranking. The cat food website also offers--and I am NOT shitting you--links to five MUSIC CHANNELS (?!), presumably for women who enjoy feeding their cats appetizers and/or enjoy visiting the corporate websites of cat food companies.

The music channels are each touted with a photos of women alone with the fluffy Fancy Feast™ Cat™: sitting by a romantic fire, reading a book, lounging in bed. Listening to Cat Appetizer-Friendly music channels such as “Evening Rhythms” and “Midday Jams.” (Conspicuously lacking: the "Quiet Desperation" or "Drowning Out Crying" channels.)

I have nothing against crazy cat ladies (CCLs). After all, I'm blogging about cat food. But do the CCLs really need their own music channels? And what do they play? Cat Stevens? The Pussycat Dolls? Phil Collins?

Up until now, I only overfed my cat on special occasions, like Cat Appreciation Day, or St. Catrick’s Day (get it? St. "Cat"-rick, instead of Patrick?!). But now, I feel empowered to overfeed/”celebrate” any day of the week.  Finally, something I can feel good about! 

I'm gonna go get this party started, yo! It's Saturday night, and I don't need a special occasion ot celebrate. Poppin’ open a can of Cat Apps and cranking up some Fancy Feast™ “Evening Jams.”

Yeah, baby. It’s gonna be like in a rap video once that music gets hoppin'. Can I get invited to that party?

I am SO MUCH cooler than those people (said the person blogging about fucking cat food).

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