Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Tweeting With the Stars

Okay, I promise. Tomorrow, I’ll get back to blogging about my hooded cape that looks like a sofa cushion from a Midwestern rec room in 1979. But in light of recent World Events, I feel the need to break the fourth wall and have a serious pow-wow with my readers. (Yes, both of you.)
I just want to say, thank God. The long, national nightmare is finally over. For a while, it seemed like the insanity would go on forever. But the Royal Wedding is finally behind us. Boy, do those Brits ever wear some funny hats!  
Oh, and the Osama Bin Laden thing.
I think most rational people would agree that he was a pretty awful person, and the world is well rid of him. We get it. We’re all on the same page. What’s amazing to me are the endless media round-ups of Twitter posts by so-called “celebrities” reacting to the news. Several websites have posted exhaustive lists of Tweets on the subject by the stars of various reality shows.

For the most part, these are people who are famous for being famous and/or "skanky,” which has emerged as the defining talent of the early 21st Century. We're talking about "stars" who have no last names, just knicknames that appear in quotes after their first names. Like Mike "The Situation" from The Jersey Shore.
My favorite of these articles has to be: The Dancing with the Stars Cast Reacts to Osama Bin Laden’s Death. (No, seriously – go ahead and click. I dare you.)
Fine, I’ll save you the trouble. They all had the radical opinion that it was a good thing! Sometimes even working in a plug for their shows. For instance, from Tango-Dancer-For-Hire @LouisVanAmstel: I know DWTS is tomorrow but what a great moment 4 the US right now.” (OMG, Louis. U R 2 kewl! *As if* anything’s more important than washed up celebrities attempting a chainé turn!!) And in other news, the reality stars also think puppies and kittens are good. And some – some! – are bold enough to assert that Hitler and cancer are both bad.
But, seriously. What did we think these people were going to add to the conversation?  And why, oh, why do we care??
Ambassador Snooki
Don’t get me wrong. I like stupid reality shows as much as the next person. Especially The Jersey Shore. Those kids have their areas of expertise, such as applying self-tanning lotion and/or hair gel, and hooking up with “Butter Faces.” But asking their opinions on the significance of Osama bin Laden’s death is like asking Henry Kissinger what he thinks of the footwork on latest episode of Dancing with the Stars. Or asking Madeline Albright and Condoleezza Rice to go do tequilla body shots at Señor Frog’s in Cabo San Lucas. (Secretaries of State Gone Wild! Woo-hooo!)   
I’m just sayin’. Drs. Albright, Rice, and Kissinger don’t go down to where the kids from The Jersey Shore work, and… well, not-work. Why shouldn’t they expect the same consideration from the stars of moronic reality shows?
One website noted that The Jersey Shore cast had some surprisingly intelligent(i.e., correctly spelled) comments about the whole thing. For a second, I had to wonder. Would Snooki have some salient observations about the geopolitical significance of extra-judicial killings and/or the potential impact on already-fraught U.S.-Pakistani relations?
I won’t keep you in suspense – she didn’t.  Nor did Pauly (the one who always wears a helmet made of a dead porcupine covered in shellac). He tooted tweeted: @DJPaulyD: “Ooooh Yeah Bin Laden Dead Yeahhh !!!!!”
You tell 'em, Pauly!
Meanwhile, the unpaid intern of Vinny’s PR person Vinny (“the smart one”) waxed philosophical about Social Media. "I don't know what is more historic, the fact that Osama is dead or the fact that our first reaction is to talk about it on Twitter,” he observed.

Because, you know, Twitter has only been around for, what, four or five years? It’s not like it recently played a role in overthrowing a dictator, or anything! The Vin-ster went on to say that he would tell his eventual children that he tweeted the news. To which said children will reply, “What the eff does ‘tweeted’ mean? You mean you, like, farted?” 

Then they’ll go back to applying hair gel.

But it should come as no surprise that the cast of The Jersey Shore would have some very cogent insights on global issues. After all, Mike “The Situation” was short-listed to head up the Council on Foreign Relations. (He was even going to take over the conveniently-named CNN talk show, The Situation Room.) In fact, the Cast Members’ most recent “summer job” was going to be working in the nuclear proliferation department of the U.N. Kinda like when they had to work in that ice cream parlor in Miami? (Oh, how I hate that I know that!!) And Snooki was recently tapped to be a Goodwill Ambassador to impoverished countries that lack an adequate supply of self-tanning lotion.

Looking at all the celebrity Twats Twits Tweets, one of the few that made an interesting point was Simon Pegg (from Shaun of the Dead & the new Star Trek movie), who noted, "There's a slight sense in the more sensationalist media that the world just completed a particularly tricky video game."

Everyone else seems to think the death of Bin Laden is essentially the third-act conclusion to an early Technicolor film. A staggering percentage of the Celebrity Tweets made reference to the “Ding, dong, the witch is dead” song from The Wizard of Oz. As if the bad guys are just magical villains who will go away when a farmhouse falls on top of them in the feverish dream of a girl from Kansas. Killing Osama Bin Laden may be a victory, but it’s not like we’re all going to go back to the Halcyon days of taking more than one ounce of conditioner in our carry-on luggage.

In all likelihood, the death of Osama Bin Laden will impact the global terror infrastructure about as much as the Canadian government would be affected if someone were to off Queen Elizabeth (don’t do that, please). As the Sovereign Monarch, she’s technically Canada's Head of State (as I half-assedly discussed here). But in the years since the Crown first established the colony, the Canadians have gone on to create a vast network of Terror Cells (also known as “Provinces”) that function quite independently of the Royal figurehead.

But in HollyTweet, we can at least pretend. Much in the way that we pretend that the fights and romances on The Jersey Shore are in no way contrived. We cling to the belief that reality shows are unvarnished representations of people’s lives.

And when you wake up, you’ll be back in Kansas in your nice, warm bed.

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