Friday, December 23, 2011

I-Just-Had-Relations.com

Want to know where, when, and in what positions people around you have recently had sex—say, before you sit on that park bench with the questionable stain on it?

Now, there’s an app for that, called (cue the Barry White soundtrack) , “I Just Made Love.”

This Android/iPhone software uses GPS technology to pinpoint the location of people (read: 14-year-old virgins) who feel the need to anonymously brag (read:  lie) about the fact that they’ve just nailed some…ahem, “made luuuuurv.”  Like its parent website, this app exists at the strange intersection of Victorian prudishness and (Too Much) Information Age prurience.  Take the name, for instance. If you’re old enough to say “made love” instead of “had sex,” you’re far too old to be using this app (i.e., over 17). They’d might as well call it “I Just Had Relations” or “I Just Knew Someone Biblically, If You Know What I Mean.”

According to www.ijustmadelove.com, the site has recorded more than 200,000 (non-verifiable) sex acts. Based on IJML’s world map, the most active users by far are in Eastern Europe—mostly in Poland, for some reason. The site doesn’t offer statistics on the male vs. female posting ratios, but in my (admittedly unscientific) research, the vast majority of posts were by people who identify themselves as straight men (I know, shocking, right?!). Since more detailed demographic data wasn’t available, I created a Venn Diagram to illustrate who we all assume is using this technology:

To test out the user experience, I went onto the website and made the post below.

To decode the symbols: you can tell that I am a) female (pink icon), b) had sex in multiple positions with both two men, and—in an icon that looks like a nuclear waste hazard warning— I also had zero-gravity sex with two other women! The pink house icon means “in a hotel,” and the wee condom means exactly what you think. The opened padlock means… OMG, you guys! It was MY FIRST TIME EVER!!  ( NOTE: no actual goats were harmed or molested in the making of this anecdote.)
 
As far as I can tell, my, like, totally true declarations went entirely unnoticed by most other humans. It was an experience not unlike publishing poetry.

My problem with this app isn’t that it’s tasteless and depraved, or that it gives too much information. Rather, it’s not tasteless enough. For this to have any point, we'd need more deets. What kind of boat are you on? A kayak? A sailboat? Underneath the all-u-can-eat shrimp buffet on a Carnival cruise ship? Under “Indoors,” why not add a drop-down menu to include, “In the Bathroom at Friendly’s,” “On my Roommate’s Futon,” etc.  Likewise, for those rocking the backseat of a car, give them the option to up the ante to “On a Fire Truck,” or, Outdoors: “On the Back of a Unicorn” (hey, as long as we’re making shit up…).

Unless the punchline is always, “at your house, with your mama”—I totally fail to see the point of this technology. And I say this as someone who regularly horrifies those around her by soliciting and/or offering far too much information about sex.

Looking at all those isolated points on a graph, they seem to form a strange cartography of loneliness. We don’t know what any of these people look like, or how old they are, or under what circumstances they ended up fucking someone in a kayak, in the middle of a day, in a land-locked corner of the former Austro-Hungarian Empire. Now, that’s the story I want—not a visual of stick figures simulating sex acts. The stick-figures, in this context, become the symbols—harbingers, if you will—of a world with far too much information, and far too little meaning.

2 comments:

  1. Why is it I find hearing that other people had sex less sexy than a good Venn diagram?

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  2. Venn diagrams are inherently sexy. Maybe it's all that "intersecting," if you know what I mean...

    ReplyDelete