Friday, December 16, 2011

Surly Throw Pillows, and other Ill-Advised Gifts

When a simple "I Want to Break Up With You" just isn't enough...
I surreptitiously snapped this photo at my Local Purveyor of Surly Throw Pillows. Just in case you need a last-minute Gift That Will Make Someone Break Up With You Immediately (may I also suggest a copy of Personal Hygiene For Dummies?), this pillow can be found at a place called NuBe on Pine Street in Seattle’s Capitol Hill neighborhood. All their stuff is made out of “re-purposed materials” (also known as “trash”). But, seriously, it’s a cool place, and I bought some Xmas presents there. The only downside is the prices are a bit steep. For instance, a purse made out of old car tires or whatever seems to be more expensive than a purse made out of a brand new car. 

As for the pillow pictured above ($103—no, seriously; that’s what it costs), I’m not sure how I feel about my home textiles getting all up in my business about my exercising habits.

Here's how I'm afraid things would go:

PILLOW: Go to the gym, you lazy fuck!
ME: Why don’t you?  You’re pretty soft around the middle, you know.
PILLOW: Go to the gym.
ME: Why, so you can invite over that slutty Tempur-Pedic pillow for some “pillow talk”?
PILLOW: Go to they gym!
ME:  Going to the gym sucks. If you ever got up off the couch, you might realize that. Besides, I’d rather stay home with you. We could kick back, order a pizza, maybe watch some TNG on Netflix…
ME:  You know, Pillow, I feel like you’re not even meeting me halfway in this relationship.
ME:  That’s what I’m talking about. Every time I bring up our relationship, you change the subject.
ME: That’s it. I’m leaving. But I’m NOT going to the gym. Why? Because I don’t want to give you the satisfaction!

Excerpted from Scenes from a Relationship With a $103 (+tax) Throw Pillow.
Original Broadway cast (Barrymore Theater): Parker Posey as Me, and Jonah Hill as The Pillow.

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