Monday, April 23, 2012

A Blog Post a Day--Less Calories Than an Apple!

So, I decided to start a new project--writing a blog post every day, for the next 30 days. Kind of like a weight-loss challenge, only, instead of losing weight, I'll be losing ideas--by barfing them onto the Internet and into the unsuspecting brains of nice ladies from Surrey who are just looking to bring some much-needed whimsy into their toilets/lives (I really have to figure out how to capitalize on the Brits seeking TP holders, who are currently about 95% of my readership).

Because I'm SO incredibly busy doing extremely important and cool things that unfortunately I can't tell you about because they're TOP SECRET (kinda like the names of Kirk Cameron's & Elizabeth Santorum's "gay friends"), these daily posts will have to be shorter than usual. Most of the time, I'll be typing these on on my phone while I'm en route to the U.N. High Council (or is that just a Klingon thing??) on the back of Ryan Gosling's motorcycle. So just blame any typos on Ryan and/or Kofi Annan (and, yes, I know he's not still the head of the U.N.--it's currently Worf's brother, right??) 

So, I'll just tell you about a funny email exchange I had with Paul earlier. You see, I'm in Jacksonville, which gets me thinking about brain problems. In part, this is because my dad is suffering from Alzheimer's, but mostly it's just because I'm in Jacksonville--a city you may recognize from numerous re-runs of COPS. The North Florida episodes usually involved naked dudes with mullets carrying a live shark/baby gator/blow-up doll stuffed with meth, etc., who are running away from the police and/or their girlfriends. 
We're not ALL naked and fleeing from justice. Some of us are just one or the other.
Now, there are many lovely parts of Jacksonville, and many smart and lovely people who live here, but if you just go by the bumper stickers in this town (HINT: they think God isn't very happy with you--yes, you, you pervert!), you'd think we were all a bunch of mentally handi-capable billy goats.

While thinking about mental impairments, I came across this NY Times Article about how exercise makes people's brains healthier than the more debatable practice of, say, thinking and doing puzzles. And exercise, unlike doing the NY Times Crossword, has the added bonus of making your ass will look better in a pair of slacks--and you don't have to know that "a Sicilian spewer" is code for Mount Etna, and not some porn star (unless it happens to be both).
Here is Paul's response:
Why do they even bother writing articles like this? It’s not newsworthy! OF COURSE exercise makes you smarter, more attractive, and a better conversationalist. Now, if they figured out that eating cake made your dick bigger, that would be news!

He makes an excellent point. This made me think about that herbal supplement called ExtenZe. Remember that one? Well, as it turns out, it doesn't actually enlarge your "member." (I know, I was as surprised as ou are!) More on that tomorrow...

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