Monday, June 4, 2012

Ask Your Doctor if You Are Healthy Enough to Get Freaky


I am totally going to Hell.

There are many reasons why this is the case. For one, I have fraternized with men while menstruating (see Leviticus 15:19). I have used tools on the Sabbath, although “anyone who desecrates the Sabbath must die” (Exodus 31:12-15). It may come as a horrible shock to those of you whom I’ve never “known” in the Biblical sense, but (deep breath…)  I was not, in fact, a virgin on my wedding night. According to Deuteronomy  22:20-21, I should’ve thus been dragged to my father’s house and been stoned (the “to death” kind, not the “pass the bong” kind).

For the love of G-d, I’ve even worn synthetic fibers, in flagrant disregard of Leviticus 19:19!

But none of the above reasons are Why I’m Going to Hell. It’s because I caught myself giggling after reading this article about a married 31-year-old man in Georgia who died while having group sex with “a female friend and a woman who was not his wife.”

A man dying is no laughing matter, no matter how hilarious (and, until the end, no doubt enjoyable) the circumstances. Even when it happens in a state where, if I’m not mistaken, sex is more or less illegal in the first place.

What made me laugh about this story was the fact that the family of the man was awarded $3 million in damages after they sued his cardiologist for, essentially, failing to warn him that he should not have a ménage-a-trois with two women who were not his wife, as his heart might not be able to take the excitement.
Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for a group sex
with three women dressed as "Sexy Darth Vader"!
As a preemptive strike against such litigation, I can only imagine what kind of waivers patients with chest pains are going to have to sign in the future.  My mind (being my mind) naturally leapt to all potential warnings. "You may not be healthy enough to engage in sexual relations with two hot ladies who are not your wife" is just the tip of the iceberg.

"Avoid any sexual activities involving wine coolers, green Jell-o, and/or lassos. Please refrain from dressing up in a black, crotchless wetsuit and being flogged by a female wrestler dressed as She-Ra from the He-Man cartoons." Pretty soon, it would have to get downright Dr. Seuss-ish. 

Do not have sex on a mat. 

Do not have sex with a cat!
Do not have sex in a moat, 
not even if you're on a boat.
Do not have sex with a goat …

The list goes on. And on. It's almost enough to make you want to move to Georgia and start eating a whole lot of fried chicken, so you can get clogged arteries and, eventually, get to see what this waver is going to look like...

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