Sunday, March 17, 2013

Swimming Fat Cat Plots Elaborate Revenge

This has been going around teh internetz, but here is one alternative for owners of fat cats: take them swimming down at your local gym, like the owner of 13-year-old Holly in the video below.

The first question that came to my mind: where did they get a feline floatation device? Is there a store somewhere (in Portland, Oregon, maybe?) called "Aqua Cats: Your Purr-fect One-Stop Shop for Feline Water Sports!"?

I, too, understand the scourge of feline obesity. As the owner of two very fat (but now, after endless effort, slightly less-fat) cats, we still nasty looks from the vet, who seems to think that we are funneling food down their gullets, perhaps preparing to eat their livers on a cracker someday. As delicious as that sounds, it is not, in fact, the case. However, I'm yet to take my cats swimming. Not because it wouldn't be hilarious, but because Francis and Seymour would turn it into a revenge plot to rival the third act of virtually any Quentin Tarantino film.

It's obvious that the swimming cat is thinking of nothing but exacting justice. Killing the people responsible in their sleep would be FAR too easy. This cat is gonna be slick about it. Holly's owner/s, be warned! She's going to go online and ruin your credit report by opening high-interest credit cards in their name and  buy a Real Girl and 20 cases of giant dildoes and have them delivered your place of business. Then, she's going to go on a lot of deeply weird pr0n sites and hit "Like" on Facebook, while signed in to your account (which raises the question of why they have "Like" buttons on porn sites, but that is beside the point).

Then, she's gonna click "Yes! I would like a representative from the Tabernacle of Holy Rolling to make a personal visit to my house for an in-depth discussion of my personal relationship to Jesus Christ!" on the websites of multiple non-mainstream churches, and put you on the mailing list of various religions loosely based on short stories about spaceships.

And if your car gets a boot on it, well, you won't have to wonder why...

Sunday, January 20, 2013

I Can Has Breakfast Fudz?

Great news, cat owners! Does it ever bother you that your cats don’t eat the same kinds of foods YOU enjoy for breakfast? If so*, you'll be excited to know that the good folks at Fancy Feast Corp have come up with a solution!

Yes, it’s Fancy Feast Mornings: Breakfast food for your cats, “with accents of veggies and egg”  (and, of course, chicken vaginas).
This coupon/ad was taped to the can of the "afternoon/evening" cat food
that I was so thoughtlessly feeding my cats...
Apparently, many cat owners get a big sad over the fact that their feline companions can’t enjoy, say, a Jimmy Dean pancake-wrapped sausage on a stick as a morning treat. After all, your cat is a member of the family. Why should he eat something so pedestrian and déclassé as CAT FOOD in the morning? Would you feed your kids a can of assorted anuses and kidneys first thing in the morning? I think not. (Unless, of course, you happen to be Scottish.)
Above: Why They Hate Us (cats, terrorists, vegans, etc.)
Probably contains as many animal anuses as most cat food, so joke's on you.
Instead, you’d want them to enjoy the kinds of foods that all people, everywhere** like to eat in the morning, according to the Universal Law of Breakfast. It’s only natural.

Granted, if the situation were reversed, Mr. Fluffles would think that you should be eating mouse anuses for breakfast. But whatever.

Every time I think I’m becoming a crazy cat lady, I see something like this, and realize that I still have at least one foot firmly planted in reality. While cats are awesome—and inspire a lot of LOLs, both on the Internets and IRL, THEY ARE F*%#ING CATS.  Much like the Scots, they enjoy eating the entrails of beast and fowl, morning, noon and night. They don’t need to eat a Hardee’s Big Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuit in the morning (neither does any human, for that matter).

And they still don’t need appetizers, either.

*Have you taken your medication today??  If not, please do that now. And, for God’s sake, take the bow tie and collar off Mr. Fluffles. Cats do NOT “like to dress up to watch Downton Abbey.” He is contemplating killing you in your sleep.

**Except in most of the world.